Before skiing we went skating with two girls from the library. I would like to repeat the skating too, all the more my Love’s classmate wanted to go with us.

I haven’t read the Breaking Dawn still. Aww. And oh, yeah, my hair is partly blue now. It’s cute, but that’s not what I wanted for two years, and even not exactly the colour. Well… I guess I should do it by myself.

Oh. Yukata. Sure. I’ve asked my mom to sew a yukata for me. There’s an annoying story of looking for the cloth. It’s for the tea ceremony me and my Love want to hold. And of all the tension within the family… I don’t want to talk about it.

After all my Love is excepted from the Master’s degree programme through dean’s office’s fault. Well…

The first note of this year… excellent. Instead of what I was actually going to write… Once more time I start writing only when I’m sad and feel depressed…

Yesterday night it finally started snowing… I was going home and looking at the fluffy trees ans bushes. That was wonderful and a little bit magical.

Then, ちゃん escaped from her home ’cause of an annoying doughter of her housemate that doesn’t leave her alone. So, late at night of 28th she came to us as she has no other place to go. I mean, we thought that it’s too dangerous to go for a walk this late as she thought to do, and said her to come to our place. 29th there were a celebration of my Love’s and his classmate birthdays. 30th flew away and there is 31th, the last day of the leaving year. And it seems that I’ve lost my mood again.

I saw some good films with my Love. Anonymous is a film about William Shakespeare or rather about the mistery of this name. Powerful and dramatic. It’s too late to make notes with so much expression ’cause actually these lines should be written in November or so. So I’m just trying to note somehow that it had place.

Then, or rather say, before this, I’d seen Breaking Dawn, one more film of Twilight saga. It was too impressive, like a shock. I looked ill this day so the people gazed at me as I was rather alike Bella, ill and pale.

Ah, yeah! I’ve almost forgot about philharmonic. Beethoven and the requiem of Verdi. Two evenings of music, beautiful and amazingly executed. Actually I slept the second part of the first concert and the first part of the second one. I was very tired… I remember that I always fell asleep when I was a child. Like a monster from fairy tales that sleeps when music is on.

I’m trying to teach two girls from the library English. I’m not that good in teaching, but I hope to improve my skills and to give some progress to both of them. Actually, the main thing I’m dong, I just give an element of duty that gives them a stimulus to study. Better than nothing.

What else? I hope that Ron will dye my hair blue as I wanted for two years… ちゃん bought me a scarf colored like Gryffindor…  Well, that was not that I wanted… but it’s cute anyway. And three and a half metres long! And my Love bought me a new computer. So now I can be calm and don’t go mad ’cause it doesn’t works normally. Thanks.

But the truth is that I’ve finally “took the pen” just ’cause of one thing. Even if I wanted to note all the events all along this month. You know, I just wanted to say… that there are people that will be always in your heart, and when one leaves, there will be always his empty chair in your soul.

And I’m fucking tired of everything.

A lot of words. Just work. Just all these talks that suck. I’m fed up with it. The church, gossips, old-fashioned understanding of life or whatever it is. I just want to be myself. Just myself with the people I love, and to not pretend that I’m even a little different than I am. You can think everything you want. I’m just fed up with it. With you. With every-fucking-thing.
Why even if I like people I am with I should pretend? I don’t want this. At all. I’m fed up with things being so complicated when it regards people… I mean why they are so… why you are so… damn, stupid. Blind. Unable to feel, to understand thing clearly as they really are. Dammit, why?
Why are you so interested in my life if you are quite nothing in it? How you dare to even try to put yourself on my way having no one substantial point? Just how you dare? Get out my way. Once and for all.
I’m so sick of myself, so tired to bear my own company. Disappointment, disillusionment is all I am to myself like I am _. And I don’t mean something special… I’m just talking about my own personality, about what I ever wanted to be and what I really am in the end. I’m not talking about people. But…
But… if we are talking about Lucia and what came up with our friendship, it doesn’t matter now what she did or didn’t or what I had been thinking years ago. There’s only one thing that matters. I knew how she is and what she is, and I let myself close my eyes when I was sick of everything or tired or bored or whatever else. If I would pay more attention to her… If I would pay more attention… She would be there. It doesn’t matter even what she’s thinking now, blame me or not. Even if there’s no my fault I feel it like it is my fault just because I know that all this fucking people, all my fucking friends are just sitting on their poles and waiting for others to make an initiative. And I’m this fucking one to make this initiative. Who knows how much I hate it. I JUST HATE IT. Because it’s always me who needs it most of all. Yes, I would gladly sit on my own pole as well but what then? All of you would say that who needs would find you and who doesn’t can roll away. But you, just you, who do you need, self-concentrated asses? Where is your initiative? It’s not likely that you understand what I am even talking about. I’m not talking of Lucia. -  I’m talking about people at all… Would you know how much I hate and despise you for this… I’m so fucking tired/bored/fed up to be a superglue. That much that I would vomit it out.

And I miss you. You may think everything you want about it. But I miss the time we were so stupid and joyfull. Yes, yes, it’s all my fault I/or I would dare to say we lost it. I will remember. Maybe I will remember it forever.

Sedative, sedative… like if they would fucking take away all I have inside of me.