When you feel bad, it can always get worse.

Well, it has been more than a week I’m going to write about my holidays. My memories pale, so I can hardly describe what it looked like. Thanks to my Love and to his father I had an opportunity to go to the hills skiing as I’ve dreamed of for so long. Actually, I tried to snowboard ’cause it’s more attractive to me than alpine skis. Well, notwithstanding the fact that I’m still ill after this trip and that I had maybe a brain concussion, I liked it. It was hard and exhausting, poor my Love instead of skiing just looked after me and made some photo. The nature was fascinating. Flyffy trees covered by snow looked like fairy tale. So, two days on the open air. I want it once again.

Before skiing we went skating with two girls from the library. I would like to repeat the skating too, all the more my Love’s classmate wanted to go with us.

I haven’t read the Breaking Dawn still. Aww. And oh, yeah, my hair is partly blue now. It’s cute, but that’s not what I wanted for two years, and even not exactly the colour. Well… I guess I should do it by myself.

Oh. Yukata. Sure. I’ve asked my mom to sew a yukata for me. There’s an annoying story of looking for the cloth. It’s for the tea ceremony me and my Love want to hold. And of all the tension within the family… I don’t want to talk about it.

After all my Love is excepted from the Master’s degree programme through dean’s office’s fault. Well…

Fed up with everything. Feel terrible. Another fucking morning. Need to sleep and to be lost in sedative.

Awoke before an alarm clock… I had a dream about Lucia, I was checking if she added me to the black list… We were talking like one time… *sigh*

The first note of this year… excellent. Instead of what I was actually going to write… Once more time I start writing only when I’m sad and feel depressed…

Yesterday night it finally started snowing… I was going home and looking at the fluffy trees ans bushes. That was wonderful and a little bit magical.

I didn’t mention Christmas and my Love’s birthday. Well, both of them weren’t as merry as I  would like, but nevertheless, we were togheter and alone, left to each other. My Love coocked some food (I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t cook, so he coocked all by himself) and even learned how to coock beetroot salad that I like so much. 25th we went to watch a Christmas animation that was cute… Even if the day was rather ruined by Nahlebnik and its… I don’t even know how to name that. Idiocy? We wanted to celebrate ちゃん’s birthday ’cause it’s 25th of December. But, thanks to Nahlebnik, I could say that this day was just a waste. Then 27 was a hard day to my beloved one and it all ended with Jägermeister… too much of it I could say.

Then, ちゃん escaped from her home ’cause of an annoying doughter of her housemate that doesn’t leave her alone. So, late at night of 28th she came to us as she has no other place to go. I mean, we thought that it’s too dangerous to go for a walk this late as she thought to do, and said her to come to our place. 29th there were a celebration of my Love’s and his classmate birthdays. 30th flew away and there is 31th, the last day of the leaving year. And it seems that I’ve lost my mood again.

It has been a lot of time I didn’t write here… Plenty of thoughts, emotions and feelings. How to begin?

I saw some good films with my Love. Anonymous is a film about William Shakespeare or rather about the mistery of this name. Powerful and dramatic. It’s too late to make notes with so much expression ’cause actually these lines should be written in November or so. So I’m just trying to note somehow that it had place.

Then, or rather say, before this, I’d seen Breaking Dawn, one more film of Twilight saga. It was too impressive, like a shock. I looked ill this day so the people gazed at me as I was rather alike Bella, ill and pale.

Ah, yeah! I’ve almost forgot about philharmonic. Beethoven and the requiem of Verdi. Two evenings of music, beautiful and amazingly executed. Actually I slept the second part of the first concert and the first part of the second one. I was very tired… I remember that I always fell asleep when I was a child. Like a monster from fairy tales that sleeps when music is on.

I’m trying to teach two girls from the library English. I’m not that good in teaching, but I hope to improve my skills and to give some progress to both of them. Actually, the main thing I’m dong, I just give an element of duty that gives them a stimulus to study. Better than nothing.

What else? I hope that Ron will dye my hair blue as I wanted for two years… ちゃん bought me a scarf colored like Gryffindor…  Well, that was not that I wanted… but it’s cute anyway. And three and a half metres long! And my Love bought me a new computer. So now I can be calm and don’t go mad ’cause it doesn’t works normally. Thanks.

But the truth is that I’ve finally “took the pen” just ’cause of one thing. Even if I wanted to note all the events all along this month. You know, I just wanted to say… that there are people that will be always in your heart, and when one leaves, there will be always his empty chair in your soul.

I miss… I don’t know how to do what I want to do.

And I’m fucking tired of everything.

A lot of words. Just work. Just all these talks that suck. I’m fed up with it. The church, gossips, old-fashioned understanding of life or whatever it is. I just want to be myself. Just myself with the people I love, and to not pretend that I’m even a little different than I am. You can think everything you want. I’m just fed up with it. With you. With every-fucking-thing.
Why even if I like people I am with I should pretend? I don’t want this. At all. I’m fed up with things being so complicated when it regards people… I mean why they are so… why you are so… damn, stupid. Blind. Unable to feel, to understand thing clearly as they really are. Dammit, why?
Why are you so interested in my life if you are quite nothing in it? How you dare to even try to put yourself on my way having no one substantial point? Just how you dare? Get out my way. Once and for all.
I’m so sick of myself, so tired to bear my own company. Disappointment, disillusionment is all I am to myself like I am _. And I don’t mean something special… I’m just talking about my own personality, about what I ever wanted to be and what I really am in the end. I’m not talking about people. But…
But… if we are talking about Lucia and what came up with our friendship, it doesn’t matter now what she did or didn’t or what I had been thinking years ago. There’s only one thing that matters. I knew how she is and what she is, and I let myself close my eyes when I was sick of everything or tired or bored or whatever else. If I would pay more attention to her… If I would pay more attention… She would be there. It doesn’t matter even what she’s thinking now, blame me or not. Even if there’s no my fault I feel it like it is my fault just because I know that all this fucking people, all my fucking friends are just sitting on their poles and waiting for others to make an initiative. And I’m this fucking one to make this initiative. Who knows how much I hate it. I JUST HATE IT. Because it’s always me who needs it most of all. Yes, I would gladly sit on my own pole as well but what then? All of you would say that who needs would find you and who doesn’t can roll away. But you, just you, who do you need, self-concentrated asses? Where is your initiative? It’s not likely that you understand what I am even talking about. I’m not talking of Lucia. -  I’m talking about people at all… Would you know how much I hate and despise you for this… I’m so fucking tired/bored/fed up to be a superglue. That much that I would vomit it out.

And I miss you. You may think everything you want about it. But I miss the time we were so stupid and joyfull. Yes, yes, it’s all my fault I/or I would dare to say we lost it. I will remember. Maybe I will remember it forever.

Sedative, sedative… like if they would fucking take away all I have inside of me.

Lucia went away. I wanted to write some lines about it but I just couldn’t. Plain words of lost is all that’s coming out of my mouth. I know what she thinks and it makes me sadder, ’cause I know I should pay more attention to her. It’s my fault. But it really matters to me how she is and what she is. Se is – was – or is? one of my best friends. It isn’t a thing that someone can throw away just like this. There sould be some depressed or… words but I respect your right to choose what’s better for you. Even if it cuts me somewhere deep inside everytime I think about what’s happened… I remember your words. I will remember them forewer, I guess. But still… just be happy. I want it very much to you – you, being happy. Because seeing you in pain and alone is unbearable. You may not trust this my last word.

The first day of winter.

I hurt my hand. I’m sick of people.
…
I want something heartwarming.

Maybe it’s time to start writing… I wrote nothing about my life and my feelings for a long time…

The good is that I’m living with my Love now. Together is a wonderful word. It makes me feel happy even if my depression isn’t gone… at all. I have many problems in my mind that I can’t resolve. Alas…

Lucia… one of my best friends. The other one is Angel A. But Lucia is the person I am together with for nine years… I know that I should be more careful to her, pay more attention than I did… But now she’s gone. I don’t mean that she is really gone, but… she doesn’t want me to be nearby anymore. I know why, I understand her reasons and I’m deeply sorry for the pain I caused to her… But… But I just can’t accept it in my heart. Not after all we went through. … I can’t bear the thought that she is alone, without a friend by her side as she is forbidden to mix with ちゃん either… That even being together with the one she loves she is unhappy. That she loses her belief, the pieces of it that still glimmered in her heart. And I can do nothing. I ask myself again and again if I can change anything, improve the situation. And I have no answer…

On work there is a person that annoys me very much. There’re plenty of reflections in my mind on the library and people I’m working with, but all of them fade beside her. Fade that much that I start thinking that I want to go away from there… Though I know that I can’t. Just ’cause I have no place to go.

My Love’s father is on good terms with me now. That makes things easier… Thank God.

Monday I went to the book shop to buy a book in Italian but I didn’t found the one I would like and they were too expencive after all… So I bought Breaking Dawn of Stephenie Meyer that I wanted for a long time and a little bit happier went home.

What else? As always I could go on but my memory betrays me. Or maybe I’m just mentally tired and can’t make words and thought together… Who knows. I know that I have many things to tell, to note and to think about, like sky lanterns or a deal with Ron… But not now. Not now…

Please don’t go.

We live together since 1st of October.

Fallen leaves on the wet grass and trees under the sunshine… it fills my heart with joy. I had to write yesterday. Before my mood went down…

I feel disquiet, uneasy and it seems that I’m missing something important. Upsetting feeling. My thoughts are in a whirl and that distress me.

I can’t force myself to sleep normally at night even if I have to ’cause I’m working. The feeling of uneasiness is chasing me. Though all seems to be good as I’m finally going to live together with my Love.

It is a third week I’m working in a library.

No intentions to describe anything. Though my memory fades away. I have no mood to write. For a long time.

I’m fed up with everything. I’m tired. I’m upset. I love you. That’s all.

I haven’t been playing basketball for ten years or so. When I was twelve I used to go outdoors in any weather and play. Just to throw a ball into a basket. Now grandma gave me a ball ’cause my first one had gone out of use many years ago. Today I went to the ground for the first time after all these years. I got tired very fast, but nevertheless it was great. My skills that I expected to be lost are here. Just in my hands, week and got out of the habit, but they are here. It makes me… a bit happy? I guess so. I feel cheerful ’cause of that.

…

Yesterday ちゃん came to my place ’cause my Love is far away. We worry about Lucia. ちゃん wanted to write to Lucia’s love to ask what’s going on. I found her by my ways and wrote her as ちゃん asked. And now I feel guilty because I guess Lucia woldn’t like it… Mixed feelings.