Sun shines shone in the morning, I finally came to some understanding with Light-kun and after all today is yesterday was Halloween. Actually it wasn’t something great, I was late and dissatisfied with myself and all wasn’t as I would like it to be, but we finally saw each other. That’s good…
I find Shad cute and amusing, like it was with a friend of Angel’s. That’s very nice but the situation that I got into isn’t such.
I’m making a Dream Catcher to Light-kun. Hope he would like it.
And I got a lot of music to listen. And some film advices. That’s good. Makes some differences.
When I go out I realize that there’s an entire world with the real people, not just avatars. But none the less I hurry back to my four walls and to space of a binary code. Why? Maybe ’cause with the more space I feel the more loneliness that fills it. Seems so.
I wish to drop into the snow under the sunshine… like it was with you so long ago. I wish to smile at the wet Autumn leaves, to dance under the rain and to laugh when the wind plays with my hair… I need romance and love. I need to be loved, to be cared and to trust… to trust fully without a fear, without a need to control all by myself… I just want to be a happy women. But I know that that is too wonderful to be true for someone like me.
All is so complicated. Everywhere a lot of problems, missing smiles, pain and depression… and no way to escape. I saw another dream with you and Autumn really makes me fall again… I breathe, Angel… I breathe with you… Everytime I feel so bad and dead I remember you… and I breathe. For you. I don’t want to mention the problems of others ’cause I fear that if I say that it’ll become true… I just want… all to be ok. God…
I’m not just in love with this character. It is an immense anguish for his ability to love. To lovelike me. A trait that I’ve never met in the reality.
I want to smoke. I didn’t smoke for two weeks or so…
I rewatch La Dame De Monsoreau, actually I wanted to watch it with Light-kun but as he offended me one more time I watch it alone. After all I’m not sure that he can understand this film as I do, we have too different mentality. I adore de Bussy… men like that don’t exist anymore… maybe.
And I want to sew. Two shirts of lawn and… yeah, there’s always many thing I want to sew or rather want to be sewn.
I envy Narcissa. But it seems to me that I asked her to inform me if she would find a good fencing club or a teacher… *sigh* But the first problem is always the lack of money…
Two years in love, in pain, in tears, two years of madness and of missing, two years you break my soul to pieces, two years I cry and you don’t listen…
At times I guess if it would be better for me to not see anyone and to not talk with anyone. ‘Cause always there’s something with their mind that produce so much disgust that I feel so sick that just want to disappear from this world.
My teacher said that I could bring her exercises and she would explain anything for me. That’s good ’cause I still have many problems with English.
What do I want? A person that lose her wishes encountering with reality…
Now I live in the Perfect World and with Vista. That’s good ’cause now I have place where to go to seek oblivion. One trouble is that I don’t do what I have to.
Many things to say and to complain… but I don’t want to. *close my eyes*
Light-kun offended me. I mean… yeah, I don’t study properly. Alas. So what? I don’t think that that’s the reason so grave to judge my intellect as you do.
That’s it… a leaf that beats you in the face with all the bitterness of the past… But there are things that never pass. Light-kun said a funny thing, but I understand him… Alas.You look so unique. Cold… cold… cold… I had many words to write here but suddenly I lost any wish to do it… 誰か助けて
Tangles of threads… Yesterday I met Anatol, we had a nice walk and I asked him to make something for me... It seems that I’m not able to keep a promise to Angel A… this year. Alas. Many problems of different kinds. And all these shoot-outs with Light-kun… Tired. It isn’t a breakdown, it’s just… a breakdown. *close my eyes* I hope I’ll manage to sing at animefest… that would be great. Maybe.
Code Geass is really like Death Note in some ways. That’s exciting. I like it.
Today Solvejg finally came to me, I’m a bit astonished but pleased that she began to search for my company more frequently. We sang using RedBull bottles as microphones and made a demo-version of our singing to the fest. That was rather fun. I was glad to see her… I’ve smoked at last. She brought Diablo Black, they are tasting.
And I’m finally watching House M.D. That’s great, you know.
A lonely night… One more time I notice how attractive is the rain in anime… This feeling of sadness, depression and expectation of something… something… I just want to take someone’s hand and to stay on a street or on a roof… Stupid wish, I know.
My head is swimming. I can’t stop being nervous and so my heart works bad and I actually feel bad… I have no forces, at times even to stand. Bugger.
I want to draw something… but I don’t feel myself able to it now, alas.
What is rather funny, many thoughts come into my mind and having realized something I forget it.
Do you know that feeling when you slowly get cold from within… My heart doesn’t work properly, as always, it’s already a rule for me being depressed… My emotions are mostly negative and my health depends on my feelings… I need love and care. But you know… at times I realise that I don’t want to admit it, just because everybody lies.
I hate this. I hate you being so detestable. Do you realise what I feel towards you in such a moments?..
I’m angry with Internet. Again. Or it would be more precisely to say always. I’m sick that its possibilities are blocked by people’s greed and cretinism. *close my eyes* Stay calm… stay calm…
Yazoo was expected to come to me today but actually he couldn’t. Alas. Maybe I’ll see Solvejg some days later…
Two years in love, in pain, in tears,
That’s it… a leaf that beats you in the face with all the bitterness of the past… 
