Wall

I want to write something. I just want to cry out my feelings and tear-stained fall asleep. But I can’t. It’s just when I feel that bad I can’t speak.

Lack of

I want to live. I want to…

That’s even funny. For all this time I was repeating that I don’t want to live anymore. Now I feel that I want… to be happy, to feel joy, to smile, to laugh, to live. But I can’t… it seems that I’ve already forgot how to.

Maybe there… somewhere…

I want some more good memories. Like our walk in a park, if it can be called really good memories… kisses on a big wheel. Roads, many many roads… Tea. All that’s gone so long ago… Angel A, Solvejg, Anatol, rails, wild strawberry… Light’s smile early in the morning on the snowy road… Walking in the rain… dancing. How often dim things that seem unhappy turn out later the best time you have had… Forlornness… There is a way out but I don’t know where to go… A fog…

Vaguely

Last days I find out that I need to talk to someone… I even don’t know what precisely about… It seems to me that I felt something like that before, yeah, sure, I did… I reveal anew some of my characteristics that I dislike so much. Like being easily impressed by someone’s mind. Is it that I’m so unstable? More like that I want to be like others… that’s weird for someone like me. So what’s that? Extreme loneliness? That when I find someone dear to me I try to like the same things and to think the same way… It isn’t right. I’m a personality. But why always when I feel that I go the wrong way or find out what do I really like or dislike it is like being awake… awake feeling easy but cold. While before it was annoying but warm… I hate this. Is it that other people feel the same towards me? That I impress someone without thinking… It is sad. It isn’t right. Why all is so… We change our minds, we discuss our opinions, we fight about it… It is so stupid. I just want some peace, warm and respect like many other ones. So why are we neglecting that…

Just reflections

I would like to put a lock around somebody’s neck and to say you’re mine from now and forever but all I had to is to put my heart and my memories in a chest and to bring it in a place noone knows keeping the key with me… My problem is that I’m always waiting for a miracle that won’t come instead of making miracles with my own hands. But the true tragedy is that even if I try to do it by myself I don’t feel myself happy at all. It’s like sending yourself flowers for a birthday. You’re glad to receive what you want but it isn’t the same as if someone could hit upon it without asking.

I should live for my dreams. For music. For maybe someonething else…

泣いてる泣いてる泣いてる泣いてる

Bitterness is the perfect description of my life. Maybe that’s why I put so much sugar in my tea and coffee…

Melancholy

Is there the reason to write what I feel? This is my diary, I know, but… There’s a bitter feeling. But I hope it will pass away. ‘Cause it’s too sad to be true. It’s cold. Cold cold winter. So many thoughts are in my mind. Like a little chaos of uncertainty. I’m tired of myself. I just want to be loved and cared. But this feeling brings nothing good, I know.

Pissed off

I hate my self-appraisal falling down.

Those who are happy without me

Basta. Chi mi vuole mi trova. Chi non mi vuole non intenda di trovarmi. So as someone said, be with one who can’t without you and don’t run after someone who’s happy without you. *embrace my friends*

bitterly

Nothing can be explained

I miss the time I was your lover. Notwithstanding all the pain I was happy about the fact you was with me. And I miss the time you considered me your friend. Notwithstanding you’re being the person that insulted me as much as noone else in my life. I miss both. Silly. And useless.

Dust

History is made to make me cry… or to see your lie. Or for something else. And I can’t bear this. I read anew. And anew. And I feel like once before. Where is the truth? Where is the lie? Just a haze. Just a pain.

Angel A

I write this post only to say how much I love you. I don’t say that frequently, but it is so. It doesn’t matter are our opinions different or not, am I right or not. You’re by my side. When I fall you catch me. And you never ask me for something. And maybe ’cause of that I want give you anything I can.

Don’t read, there’s nothing for you

I feel extremely bad. Worse than before. I don’t want to see anyone. I just want to fall asleep and to never wake up again. Tired to explain. Tired to talk. Tired to be. I don’t want to prove anything to anyone. I’m sick of it.

I wanted to go to the cinema with Mycroft but it seems that I’ll go to watch Avatar 3D alone. Or I won’t at all. It’s even strange to do what I really want to and not just agree to.

Bugger. Never mind. I’ll just go to sleep and will turn all the fucking phones off. I want to cry. Some more poisoned words.

You know, words can hurt (c) House M.D.

I remember all the words.

Feel sick. Shivers. Bugger…

A New Year

An entire year without you… A year full of tears, pain and unheard screams. Last year I was wearing my cloack, embracing our photos that I have and crying… crying… I’ve tasted despair, hopeless hope and waiting for something. While you enjoyed life with your friends that are more important for you. Well… It seems that older I become, less happiness I can feel. I acquired some friendship and I lost someones… And that’s just another holiday when I feel depression, tiredness and sadness in place of joy and gladness. An emptiness… That was a snowy day, tender and… and I slept. Hope you all enjoy it. ‘Cause I can’t. I saw a New Year in a shower and now I’m sitting with a keyboard, alone and… and nothing. Just nothing, my friends. It is not my choice to be always so weirdly upset. I just lost the ability to feel … or maybe I didn’t have it at all. Even if I would like to.

A forgotten feeling

Today in the court of my faculty I felt something like years before. To my surprise there wasn’t so cold as on the street, a fluffy white snow everywhere, firs and bushes decorated with luminous garlands. So tender that I felt warm. Like there weren’t these two years or something like that. And it can be ’cause of soundtrack also…

I’ve changed my music and thought about one interesting thing. There is a lot of music I like as different as it can be. But it seems that beginning from my childhood there was someone that was giving me that music… So which of that is found and collected by me myself? I realized that that are precisely soundtracks. It were soundtracks I’ve opened for myself and they are always something special. Or it seems so special for me now as I’m listening to one of them. But nonetheless, music is a soundtrack of life as I often say, and soundtrack creates for me an another reality. An atmosphere. To live in. It helps me to enter characters and to remain there, and you know, it gives me an energy to live. Maybe I’m mistaken. But right now I feel so.

Scraps of thoughts

I have no forces to write about anything but I’ll write ’cause I can’t keep it all in my mind all the time.

First, the University. There are many problems ’cause of myself. I can’t collect myself and do what I have to. I was never that assiduous and diligent but I knew I was the person that can manage all in time. And now I realize that I lose this ability.

Second, my aims. Or rather their absence. I have many interests and there are many things I want to learn but… but is the very proper word. Hearing one song I guess that maybe I can try something but its charm disappear as soon as its last sound. And the feeling that I can do something disappear too. I can’t bring it on whatever I do.

Third, the people. They are strange. Or irritating. Or both two. They forget me and don’t care and they remember me and ask for my company. They can’t decide what they need. They do and say contrary things. They are so people.

I’m angry with Light. I’m tired to explain and meet misunderstanding and negation. I’m tired to ask for explanations and to meet refusal and avoidance. I’m tired of his scorns that he even don’t realize. Or rather realize but don’t care. I’m tired of all that. But I miss him, what a paradox. One more reason to be always depressed and to feel pain. Yes, I’m a strange person for someone like you. Well, it doesn’t matter.

I want to sleep. Very much. But I didn’t do my work still so no sleep and no escape from reflections about and through. I’m so pathetic. You may be glad as you always try to demonstrate me that. I hate you for this the most, you know. For the look down upon.