Words… words…

If you go away too I don’t know what will be with me… But if you want to I’ll understand even if I don’t want you to go. … Why it was so difficult to believe my words when it wasn’t so? You say that I take all your energy… but when I asked you to not give it to me you didn’t listen… You called me the happiness as now you call me … I can’t understand that. You prefer to trust and than to be disappointed but I bet you have never thought what should feel I in this case. Doesn’t matter. I just should realize that you aren’t the one that will stay around as long as it may take me to turn around and see that you’re still here…

How much…

Too tired of life to be alive…

Fucking 9th of December

The more I live the more I hate life. The more I hate people. The more I hate all this fucking existence. It would be better if I wouldn’t exist at all.

And yeah, today would be 2 years together if you wouldn’t a son of a bitch that cares only about yourself.

Sick

That was the worst weekend over a long time. I did nothing I have to do, I’m sick and I have a headache. I met Light-kun and for three days we were arguing. Saturday night we came to meet Solvejg, she was drinking and smoking a lot. We sang. She cried. I… Next day she came to my place, we tried to quiet her a bit even if it’s almost useless… I guess I didn’t manage to. I got drunk after a weak cocktail of Absinth. All was wrong. I argued with Mycroft and I… I’m so tired of that. All that. Some smiles, some warm, some embraces, yeah, sure. But actually I’m so sick with this life. Tired. I want just to close my eyes and to never wake up again.

The beginning of December…

I don’t know why I’m writing this post. I have no intention to write and no idea to express myself… I just want… to make an imprint or something like that. I’ m between high power of reflections, warmth of my friend and everyday problems. Funny jokes, some amusing lessons, long conversations, tired sighs, bitter half-smiles… a heartache. Music, exhaustion, complains, haze and at time something like happiness. At times. That’s even strange.

It is almost a year…

The first day of a Winter… I want snow…

Fable of dreams

I want to sleep but can’t sleep… Two days I was almost happy after having been reconciled with Light-kun. And now I sit feeling as if I would come to myself and my soul freezes… I don’t know what’s up. Was it some kind of scales that fell from my eyes or something else. I’m tired of myself…

I should think about other things. I have many problems and things to do besides my eternal sorrow. Bugger…

No star can thaw all the shivers of ice inside of…

I’ll never fear like that anymore… A wounded heart on a lacerated soul… A broken life, an useless plot… I want so much to forget my death…

Feel bad. Extremely bad. My heart is failing. I thought I would fall today in the University… My favourite teacher could cheer me up for a while notwithstanding all that happens… Really, it seems that clever men like my company.

Damn it all

I hate it. I hate all. I hate you.

Teary emptiness

Is it only the lack of trust, the fear to trust? Or is there something else? I don’t know. I’m just tired and totally destroyed… What do I want except of oblivion? What do I have to do with all these feelings I have, all this anger, despair and deep offence? What do I have to… So many questions. And no answer.

誰か助けて

Who can save me from my nightmares…

No place, no way, no wish…

So many… not just reflections. Memories… love. Notwithstanding all the difficulties all seemed so plain when you were with me and I trusted in your love… Just to believe that we’re strong enogh, that you’re strong enough… even if I know that that isn’t so… And now. What is now? A broken person alive ’cause of friends that didn’t let me go… That fear almost everyday that I can leave this world. That stay round me repeating again and again… breathe… breathe… breathe… Yes, honey, I remember your anger against my words that Angel A would not survive my death while you could do it easily. But see… you just proved that I was right. Don’t leave me… that was all I asked of you. But it was too much. And now many people are around me that need me and I… and I…

Weekend and many unwritten thoughts

I’ve never drink like that before. Many little events, some big impressions. I saw Yazoo and Solv and got acquaintance with Yazoo’s girlfriend that’s rather nice. Trust level down… but it’s nothing.

I don’t know how could you read in my mind wich flowers of wich color I wanted last weeks. That’s amazing. But I feel shy actually…

Some differences

Sun shines shone in the morning, I finally came to some understanding with Light-kun and after all today is yesterday was Halloween. Actually it wasn’t something great, I was late and dissatisfied with myself and all wasn’t as I would like it to be, but we finally saw each other. That’s good…

I find Shad cute and amusing, like it was with a friend of Angel’s. That’s very nice but the situation that I got into isn’t such.

I’m making a Dream Catcher to Light-kun. Hope he would like it.

And I got a lot of music to listen. And some film advices. That’s good. Makes some differences.

Unrecognizable Shadow

As always Light-kun gave me some music… Another group that I liked… And I find so many words I have to…

Yesterday’s thought

When I go out I realize that there’s an entire world with the real people, not just avatars. But none the less I hurry back to my four walls and to space of a binary code. Why? Maybe ’cause with the more space I feel the more loneliness that fills it. Seems so.

I want too much… that’s what you said

I wish to drop into the snow under the sunshine… like it was with you so long ago. I wish to smile at the wet Autumn leaves, to dance under the rain and to laugh when the wind plays with my hair… I need romance and love. I need to be loved, to be cared and to trust… to trust fully without a fear, without a need to control all by myself… I just want to be a happy women. But I know that that is too wonderful to be true for someone like me.